Catalyst
by myss-naughty
Summary: Set after the trial in Antarctica Remy has returned to the mansion.
1. Depression an'

Title: Catalyst  
  
Author: lil-myss-naughty  
  
Fandom: X-Men  
  
Pairing: Remy LeBeau (Gambit) / Logan (Wolverine)  
  
Rating: R  
  
Status: Complete  
  
Archive: Please email me

Important: This story contains regret, depression and touches on  
male/male relationships, if you don't agree with any of  
these subjects don't read – Simple!!  
  
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, they belong to Marvel  
Comics, I make no money from my stories, I just borrow  
Remy, Logan et all for my pleasure. Set in my unique universe  
though may touch slightly on the Marvel timeline.  
  
Summary: Set after the trial in Antarctica Remy has returned to the  
mansion. Surrounded by a hostile environment he seeks a  
release from his suffering.

* * *

Depression.

Well, at least dat's what Henri has diagnosed.

I'm de King of Thieves, stealer of hearts... To some I'm de betrayer of mutants. How could I possibly be suffering from depression?

Laying silently in de now lukewarm water I stare intently at th'razor blade sitting on de side of th'bath, knowing I could end it all... But I don't.

Searching deep within myself I try to find de reason why...

If I'm brave enough I'll admit to myself dat I'm scared, scared of dying, of not knowing what, if anything is out dere when we leave our Earthly body, it's even possible dose I have wronged during my lifetime may just be waiting for me when I pass over an' dat's a thought I really don' want t'entertain at dis stage.

Perhaps I'm scared to leave de ones I love behind.

But den again who would miss me?

Picking up de razor I examine th'sharpness of de blade's edge, marvelling at how th'metal glints in de candlelight. Twirling it through my fingers with such ease, a trick I've learnt over de year's wid a playing card, I rest de thin sliver against my wrist applying increasing pressure, silently willing myself on.

Watching as my skin starts to turn white I throw de damn razor across de bathroom before de blade cuts, cursing out loud in my native patois and admitting defeat.

It should be so easy... After all de life threatening situations I've faced before an' after joining de X-Men, to take my own should be tres simple non?

Who am I trying to fool? I'm too much of a coward to do it myself.

What poor ol' Remy needs is a catalyst.

Quickly drying and dressing I sneak out of de boathouse and up into th'mansion easily avoiding detection using a back door I programmed into Cerebro so I can move unseen anywhere on de grounds. It's a place I try not to come to too often dese days, de negative emotions don't work well with an empath such as myself you see. However, with it being well past midnight everyone is pretty much in dere beds asleep.

Well, nearly everyone...

Reaching out with my empathy I begin systematically searching th'entire complex trying to pinpoint exactly where de monsieur is, if he be close by I'll even be able to feel just what kind of mood he's in, which is a very handy skill to possess where Logan is concerned

As I sneak down into de lower levels of de mansion my power suddenly picks up on his unmistakable presence, his powerful uncensored emotions full of anger, regret and frustration bombard my already weakened shield scaring me, leaving me feeling mentally and physically drained. So much so I have to pause for a minute to gather my strength.

However it is perfect for why I am here.

Unsurprisingly I find him in th'Danger Room, it's de one place he always goes when he needs to work out de problems in his life dat he has no control over, a place where he can release dose berserker rages and feelings without harming fellow team members.

Entering th'Observation Room I find myself surprised by what I see. Logan is in dere all right; however he's not fighting sentinels or killer robots, or even evil mutants. Instead he's just sitting dere cross-legged, head restin' on the palms of his upturned hands watching a static holographic image hovering in front of him.

After standing dere for a few minutes watching de scene before me I suddenly realise dat de holographic image he is studying so intently is of me, in my X-Men uniform...

De display on th'computer console shows he's been in dere for over an hour.

Th'one question I have running in my brain is 'why'?

Curious I check through de history database and find dat he has run de same programme nearly every night since...

My heart wrenches at th'thought of Antarctica, de familiar feelings of hate and loathing, not just my own feelings of myself, but from dose I once considered family seep to de surface threatening to swallow me whole.

Rubbing my temples I remind myself to tell Hank (if I survive dis encounter of course) dat de tablets he prescribed for me aren't working, however, dat could be because I haven't taken any yet...

At least not de recommended dose, but after a few minutes have passed I usually bring dem back up again.

No harm done.

Taking a deep breath I make my way down to de Danger Room. After all, dis is why I have ventured so deep into de lion's den.

To find dat special catalyst to release me from my torment.

As de door slides open he doesn't register at first dat he's not alone, he's too caught up in his own thoughts. I stand dere and wonder what he is thinking of when he stares at my image. Reaching out cautiously with my empathy, I expect to feel de backlash of hate, anger and sadness dat I betrayed dem all, but surprisingly what I feel instead is loss and a deep sense of hurt.

And den he smells me, I can see dose nostrils flaring, de eyes widening and as his head slowly twists round to look straight at me – as dose beautiful blue eyes lock onto my demonic red and black ones my heart beats wildly.

And he raises his shields.

Stepping into de room th'door slides silently closed behind me and I key in my own personal code, which activates de privacy mode so no one can see us.

Now it be jus' Logan an' Remy.


	2. De best medicine

Title: Catalyst  
  
Author: lil-myss-naughty  
  
Fandom: X-Men  
  
Pairing: Remy LeBeau (Gambit) / Logan (Wolverine)  
  
Rating: R  
  
Status: Complete  
  
Archive: Please email me

Important: This story contains regret, depression and touches on  
male/male relationships, if you don't agree with any of  
these subjects don't read – Simple!!  
  
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, they belong to Marvel  
Comics, I make no money from my stories, I just borrow  
Remy, Logan et all for my pleasure. Set in my unique universe  
though may touch slightly on the Marvel timeline.  
  
Summary: Set after the trial in Antarctica Remy has returned to the  
mansion. Surrounded by a hostile environment he seeks a  
release from his suffering

* * *

I watch as he rises slowly from his seated position and I feel Logan's emotions change to discomfiture and I'm sure I'm mistaken, but just a hint of desire. Logan tends to keep himself in check so well in the presence of others it is often quite difficult for me to read him at all.

However, I'm sure I'm not mistaken...

At least as he walks towards me I really hope I'm not mistaken...

But isn't dat de reason I came seeking him out in de first place, wanting him to end it all for me?

Unfortunately now isn't de time for second thoughts.

Standing my ground I wait for him to reach me, de palms of my hands start to sweat and I feel as though I want to be sick. I fight de urge to turn and run away as he slowly closes de gap between us, but suddenly he stops about an arms length away and doesn't say a word.

And den de realization hits him; I can see it in his eyes.

He can smell it...

He knows why I'm here.

He knows what I want him to do.

"Is this all ya came for kid?" He asks as he releases de claws from his left hand extending dem fully towards me. "Or do ya want something else?" His guttural voice kept unruffled and even.

Staring intently at de Adamantium I slowly stretch out my hand, needing to feel de instrument of my impending demise. Lightly caressing de skin around de metal I begin to notice de similarities between de claws and de razor, it would take just two steps for dem to pierce my unprotected chest and if positioned correctly hopefully my heart so it will be over quick an' clean and with any luck painless.

But my legs refuse to move.

Raising my eyes to once again meet his I see for de first time how scared he is dat I'm going to do it, for de briefest moment I pick up on his concern and I'm confused.

An' he sees my indecisiveness as his chance.

It's den he surprises me by doing something no one else has done since my return. He reaches out to me not only with his right hand but also his love I can feel it emanating strongly from him as he willingly lets down his shields.

Now I'm confused.

Logan's never shown me any sign dat he has dose sort of feelings for me, in fact since my return he's not said one word to me, he's not even bothered to come down to de boathouse to see how I am.

Contemplatively I stare quietly at dose proffered hands. One of dem offering me a release to de pain and de hurt, de other love and understanding an' a possible happy future.

But after all I have been through is it too much to dare to dream...

Releasing a breath I did not realize I had been holding, I make my choice. Stepping slowly towards him my left hand tentatively intertwines with his right sending an electrical charge through de whole of my body, which I know he felt as well. I never realized how... Overwhelming my need was to feel another human being's skin against mine. It's been so long since I've had physical contact with another.

"Cher..."

Is all I manage to say before my voice cracks and I collapse into his strong arms, reveling as dey hold me tight against his muscular body, knowing somehow deep down he won't ever let me go, not if I don't want him to.

As my legs give way we both slide down to the floor and I look up at de holographic image before me of de man I used to be, so confident, so youthful, so alive... Now I am but a shell.

And it hurts.

Feeling my sobs against his chest Logan kneels in front of me and lifts my bowed head up to his, gently he brushes away de fallen strands of my long auburn hair from my face and wipes away de forming tears. Supporting my face with his right hand he ever so lightly caresses his lips against mine before drawing back, unsure of how I might react.

Slowly I lick my lips tasting de faint traces of beer and cigars.

Essence of Logan.

It feels good.

I could get used to it, who knew dat Logan could be so gentle?

As I turn back to stare at de hologram I feel him watching me, studying my reactions.

"You prefer de hologram to de real thing non?" I banter as I struggle to get up; y'see-making light of a situation is my defence mechanism. My chest aches, my head swims and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I need to get away from what my replica represents.

"You **are** him darlin'... Nothing has changed, at least not in my eyes." He replies as he reaches out to help. But I knock him away. I'm not dat helpless.

Yet.

Shifting his body to block my torment he authorizes de computer to cancel de programme. Th'computer complies immediately.

"Why didn' ya tell me cher?" I ask. It's a simple enough question

"'Cause ya love Rogue, 'cause ya never showed any interest in me... I've loved ya ever since ya turned up that day with Storm..."

His voice trails off at de admission.

"Den where were ya when I needed ya homme?" I spit. "Why you not come to de boathouse an' let Remy know dat there's at least on person who be glad he's alive?"

I regret it immediately as I fleetingly see de hurt in his eyes, before all traces of it vanish.

And den I feel his rage as it hits me, once again assaulting my weak barriers, making me feel dizzy. Turning his back on me he begins de rhythmic pattern of clenching and unclenching his hands as he tries to calm down.

"I came looking for ya every night after I found out what went down in Antarctica, after those bastards left ya behind..." He says trying to control dat anger of his. I can hear de venom in his voice. "But there was no trace of ya, no trace o'nuthin'. I couldn't even track ya down with my heightened senses."

Running his fingers through his thick mane of black hair, he turns round on de spot to face me.

"An' then ya returned, just as I was on the verge of leaving th' X-Men for good an' I found my one reason to stay. Every night sneaking down to the boathouse, I was determined ta let ya know I was there for ya, but I couldn't find the words to express myself..." I can see de weariness in his face; hear de anger bleed out from his voice only for it to be replaced by sadness. "S'funny, I'm the best at what I do, unless it's telling the person I love how I really feel..."

Closing de distance between us I take him into my arms.

"I don't wantcha ta ever think..."

Silencing him with a deep kiss, I feel his tongue as it dances wid mine, his hands as dey caress my back raising goose bumps on my arms and my hopes dat everything might indeed just turn out all right for de future.

"J'taime cher," I whisper as I look longingly into dose pools of deep blue. "Remy has always loved ya."

Feeling his breath quicken at my affirmation, his mood lightens.

"Darlin' ya make me the happiest man alive," He says as our hands once again entwine and he gives me de biggest grin I have ever seen. "I love ya; I always wanna be with ya... If ya'll have me of course!"

"Of course cher... Forever!"

I think Hank can have his tablets back.

I was right...

Logan is my catalyst, not to de release I craved, instead to happiness and he's de best medicine a man can ever have.

The End


End file.
